I thought everyone will acknowledge me if I pilot Eva. And then when everyone acknowledges me, I will be happy. But no. I am not happy piloting Eva. I am tired… I do not wish to pilot it anymore. Let someone else do it. I am tired. I want to go back and live in my past. I do not wish to be here. I am tired. I am tired…

Why am I piloting an Eva anyway? Because they wanted me to. I thought by doing what they want, they would acknowledge me. But no. They don’t need ME to pilot an Eva. They do need someone to pilot an Eva but is someone. Not ME. I thought I was the chosen one. I thought I was special. But no. They can replace me with another pilot. I am just one of the many out there. The world will not come to an end if I do not pilot it. I am as ordinary as everyone else. I am not needed…

Then why do I want to put my life at the frontline to protect these people? If I do it well, people will think that that is part of my responsibility as a pilot. If I did not do well, people will blame me or worse, I may die. Who really thought of that? Everyone will just take me for granted. “Nobody notice what you are doing until you stop doing it.” Why do I want to risk my life to protect these people. It is your own life. Go protect it yourself. My protection is not needed…

It’s amazing how the conversation below struck so much resonance in me…

Shinji: Why am I even here? I thought things would change here. That maybe good things would happen. I didn’t come here to be put through hell.

Rei: So you plan to spend the rest of your life running away from everything unpleasant?

Shinji: Live? Why am I alive anyway? I used to think I didn’t have a choice in the matter. Whether it’s my father or Misato-san, no one really needs me. If I couldn’t pilot Eva, there would be no need for me. That’s why I have no choice but to pilot Eva. That’s why I’m able to stay here.

It all started when I got a mobile internet device from company X. I don’t see any reason of not taking that service since it is free and it may come in handy when I bring my laptop out. About 6 months ago, when I was still in US, X started sending me 2 bills every month. 1 for my regular broadband and mobile and another mysterious $0.10 bill incurred from the mobile internet. My family did not inform me about this until I saw it myself when I was back. After checking with X, the $0.10 arose from sms send/receive by the mobile internet. Probably my brothers were playing with it. Anyway, it was not very environmentally friendly for them to send me paper bills for $0.10 so I attempted to pay the $0.10. And that is where it got more retarded.

In the first place, I have combined all my bills together but why is this bill separated? The easiest way I can think of to pay the $0.10 is to merge it together with the rest of my bills and pay them together. And I did. One month later, I saw my new bill with the mobile internet merged in. But something was not right. It was showing $0.00 for my mobile internet. And I still receive another bill for the $0.10. I am guessing that the new bill only account for cost incurred from previous month. So the $0.10 is still separate.

Ok. Fine. Next payment method, AXS. I tried to pay with the machine, keyed in my account number, but they forced me to top up a minimum of $5 into my account. That is 50x more than my bill amount. WTH. Even though $5 is not that much, but it is enough for me to settle 2 meals. So I refused to give in.

I looked through the bill and found another method of payment, internet banking. Quite a good idea I thought. But I found that the bank refused to let me pay $0.10 bill which is too little for them to transfer.

Great. My last resort is to call X tomorrow and behave like those unreasonable auntie. Hope they will start using their brain.

Before I go into the main part of the blog, I would like to say I am not into homosexual. Ok. I was reading the book, “Man are from Mars, Women are from Venus” recently. The book describe the differences between man and women and why because of that argument happened. It is a good book for people in relationship though some stuff may not be relevant anymore. After all, no one is 100% Martians or 100% Venusians. Anyway, if love is about understanding and caring for each other, wouldn’t it be easier for 2 guys or girls to be together since they would be speaking the same language and showing the same gesture. Ignoring reproduction, homosexual would probably be the best solution for a good relationship. Why did God (or whoever created human) force us to be with the other species? Why are we brainwashed since young to think that heterosexual is normal while the other is not?

Last month, my mom sprained her finger and the bone shifted position. She went to a polyclinic and was referred to a hospital. Everything sounds normal except that the appointment date is 3 months later. It is only after I got back to Singapore then I heard about this stupid arrangement. I got her to see the doctor again to arranged an earlier appointment. She got an earlier appointment which was today with another hospital. The situation now is my mom needs to undergo an operation if she wanted to fix the bone in her finger back. The flesh has grown back to the position where the bone originally was. This is the situation that I am afraid of…

Many years back, I was in a similar situation. My teeth almost got kicked off after injuring myself in a sparring. The dentist just tell me to go to him for consultation every week but did not do anything. I got fed up and asked to be referred to National Dental Center. The dentist there took an xray and asked me why it took me so long before coming to the Dental Centre. Obviously it’s not my fault.

Seriously, even I did not do any medical related courses before knows that our body will regenerate and in my mom case, the flesh will grow back. What are these doctors doing? Are they ignorant or irresponsible? It is because of all these that I don’t visit doctor for seemingly common illness. What’s the point when I visit them, they will just ask a couple of common questions, take my temperature and prescribe me with medicines that I can get in normal pharmacy.

Come to think of it, the world will have so much less problem if everyone can be more responsible. The person checking luggage at the custom. The worker manufacturing products in a factory. Or even a programmer writing an application. It is not too hard but probably humans like to take shortcuts…

Some people just don’t understand. I need personal space. Do not attempt to force your way into my world. If I am comfortable, I will let you in. If I am not, your action will just encourage me to erase you from my world. You will know it if I have let you in. If you are unsure do not try. And yes, I am someone who needs a lot of personal space.

First she has problem judging distance. Then she has problem with time. I must be a fool to take her words to pinpoint a location of a shop. Wasted my whole afternoon there looking for it. She said that there are many such shops there. I don’t even see a single one. I was even more irritated because I was not feeling well, my stomach was feeling weird and I felt like puking the whole time. Probably it was due to fatigue. Anyway, the only comforting thing was probably that I found a nice shop that has a wallet that I want. But it is a bit too expensive…

Seriously, what is wrong with these people? This is the second time I encountered this. A group of people sitting in a restaurant and refusing to leave. They have finished their food and paid. But they still sit there and chat for like 30minutes. This is of course not against the law and I feel it is okay to sit around and chat after meals. BUT, don’t do that when there are like 20 people waiting for a table. You don’t own the restaurant just because you paid. The word here is “CONSIDERATE”. Please use your brain. When there are people, especially many waiting for a table, just leave when you are done. Why are some people so inconsiderate…

My hatred for reservist has just increased by 1 more level. It is almost like a haunting that does not go away until you reach 40 despite wasted 2.5 years of my life. Anyway, I was thinking of going to one of those Japanese Salon at Japan town to get some funky nice hairstyle. And I finally have long hair after enduring the irritation for many weeks as the end of the hair kept touching my eyelashes. Then reality sets in. I suddenly remembered that I need to take IPPT and reservist after I go back. (Cloud Strife would face severe disciplinary action in the real world :p) Damn… Of course I can probably keep my hair for few months until any of these happened. But the thought that I will need to destroy my hairstyle made me felt that “Why do I still waste that money to do something that I cannot keep for long?” &(#@%$ Probably that’s why Singaporean male generally don’t have nice hairstyle except those that do not need to serve reservist. Ok… Maybe I should not push all the blame to reservist. The weather in Singapore is probably too hot to keep long hair as well… Now I am more determined to work in other country. Which shall it be? US, Japan, Taiwan and latest addition, Canada.